Picture this: You’ve midway through a difficult conversation or negotiation. The other person has just about pushed you to your limit, maybe with an off-hand comment or a string of subtle digs.
Your heart is racing. Adrenaline surges. Your brain calls to mind that perfect zinger.Just as the words start to leave your lips, a little voice in your head says, “Maybe don’t.”
This comment halfway out of your mouth is almost guaranteed to take you down a path of no return. But the train has already left the station. How do you pull back and pivot without looking weak, awkward or scatter-brained?
In high-stakes negotiations and difficult conversations, whether in your personal or professional life, it’s easy to obsess over saying the right thing. But as CEO of the American Negotiation Institute and a communication expert, I’ve found we often overlook a more powerful skill:knowing when not to say what you’re about to say.
Perfect the art of the ‘pull-back’
I call this the 99% rule: You can get 99% of a conversation perfectly right, but the remaining 1% — in the form of a single, impulsive, unfiltered comment — has the power to ruin an entire deal or moment.
To prevent this, you have to master the art of the “pull-back.”
This isn’t easy to do in live conversation. Maybe emotions are running high on both sides. Or perhaps subconsciously you’re afraid changing course will make you look incompetent, so your brain tells you that the best and smoothest decision is to proceed with your original thought.
The good news? There’s a way to catch yourself mid-sentence and pivot without looking like you’ve totally lost your footing.
Own the shift
As you’re likely making this pivot mid-sentence, the next part might feel a little choppy. But know that it’s never as bad as our brains tell us it is.
Here are some simple phrases that can naturally lead the conversation in a new direction:
- “Hold on, let me rephrase that.”
- “That’s not quite what I meant, let me try again.”
- “Actually, let me say that in a different way.”
- “You know what, scratch that. Let’s focus on…”
Reframe forward
Move forward with a message that is more intentional and productive for the conversation. Here are some of my favorite transitions:
- “What I really want to understand is…”
- “What really matters to me is…”
- “This is what I really want for this conversation…”
Embrace the awkward
Don’t be so afraid of looking imperfect that you allow yourself to go 50 miles in a wrong and disastrous direction.We’re all awkward. We all stumble. It’s perfectly normal, and it’s better than causing irreparable damage to a relationship.
Your message may not always come out perfectly smooth, and that’s okay. The smartest thing you can do is seize the opportunity to steer the conversation away from harm and into productivity.
Rehearse your pivot in advance
Remember, practice makes perfect. Make time to rehearse how you might make this transition in a difficult conversation with someone in your life. It may not feel like much, but by practicing out loud, you’re priming your brain to recall your success strategy in moments when you really need it.
Kwame Christian is a best-selling author, keynote speaker, and CEO of the American Negotiation Institute. His podcast, Negotiate Anything, has over 16 million downloads in 180+ countries and his TEDx Talk, “Finding Confidence in Conflict,” has 650,000+ views. As a business attorney and LinkedIn Learning Instructor with over 2.3 million learners, Kwame has been featured in Forbes, NPR, and USA Today, and has collaborated with Fortune 500 companies like Google, Apple, and NASA.
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