When someone patronizes you, it’s easy to feel slighted. Maybe they assumed you didn’t know what you were doing because you’re new to an organization, or you’re younger. Maybe they figured you wouldn’t be able to use new technology because you’re older.
It’s not always easy to know what to do in that situation. Their assumption about your abilities is incorrect, but you also don’t want to deny an obvious truth. Maybe you are older or younger or new to an organization. How can you stand up for yourself effectively while still owning your identity?
Dolly Parton knew the answer. Nearly half a century ago, she did a now-famous interview with Barbara Walters, one of the most prominent journalists on television at the time. Walters asked all of the cutting questions to Parton’s face that people had been whispering behind her back: about her clothes, her figure, and even her breasts. She also pushed on Parton’s lower-class background.
“Dolly,” she began. “Where I come from, would I have called you a hillbilly? … When I think of hillbillies, am I thinking of your kind of people?”
What was in Dolly Parton’s ‘powerful’ answer
I taught communication for more than a decade at Columbia Business School and Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business, and Parton’s answer has a powerful lesson all of us can use.
“I think you probably are,” she replied. “But we were very proud people, people with a lot of class. It was country class, but it was a great deal of class. And most of my people were not that educated, but they are very, very intelligent. Good common sense — horse sense, we called it.”
I call Parton’s move the “label upgrade” strategy, and it’s a way to simultaneously maintain your dignity and disarm the person who’s talking down to you.
She’s neither denying she’s a hillbilly, nor getting mad at what could easily be seen as an insult. Instead, she claims the label and revises what it means. To Walters, “hillbilly” clearly meant “backward” or “unsophisticated.” But Parton owned it and changed the meaning: Being a hillbilly was now about being proud, practical, and wise.
The next time someone tries to talk down to you, you don’t have to argue. Instead, you can use the same strategy, redefining the label or box they’re trying to put you in. If they say, or imply, you’re “too inexperienced,” you can double down on your fresh perspective. If they try to knock you for being “over the hill,” you can emphasize your wisdom and judgment.
How to use the ‘label upgrade’ strategy
The label upgrade has two parts. First, you accept what they’ve said as accurate (assuming that it is — otherwise, you can dispute their premise). Then, you redefine what it means. It could sound like:
- “You’re right, I am new here. That’s what allows me to see things that no one else notices anymore, and find the opportunities you might be overlooking.”
- “It’s true I don’t have an MBA. That means I’ve had to learn through experience and working directly with our customers. That’s why I feel so confident about the features they’ll want.”
- “You’re right, I don’t know anything about engineering. But neither do most of our customers. So if you can’t explain it to me, they’ll have a hard time understanding it, too.”
- “It’s true I’ve never worked in a large corporation before. That means I’ve had to learn not just how to do my job, but how to get results, even if that means pitching in to help another department. That’s why I feel so strongly we can’t just blame the sales department.”
Or if you’re Dolly Parton, you could say this to Barbara Walters, who questioned her “extreme clothes” and blonde wigs: “It’s certainly a choice. I don’t like to be like everybody else. I’ve often made this statement that I would never stoop so low as to be fashionable. That’s the easiest thing in the world to do.”
It’s a powerful move to own the truth — and still get to define the terms for yourself. You might not have much experience, but your perspective can be an asset. You might not have an MBA, but your ideas might still be the best. When you use the label upgrade strategy like Dolly Parton, you’re not accepting anyone else’s definitions but your own.
Dorie Clarktaught executive education for more than a decade at Columbia Business School and Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business. She is a keynote speaker, former presidential campaign spokeswoman, and bestselling author of“The Long Game.”You can subscribe to her e-newsletterhere.
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